Advice For Young Men – Translating Womanspeak

In this latest installment of my continuing relationship advice series I thought we’d examine some of the mysteries of female verbal communication for the benefit of the hordes of clueless men out there.

For newer readers you can check out some of my previous advice columns here, here and here.

You see fellas, understanding the subtleties of womanspeak and picking-up on what she means vs. what she actually says are essential skills for any man hoping to maintain a relationship with a lady while managing to stay sane and alive.

It won’t take long after the start of your first serious relationship to discover that women are much more complex beings than we men.

A visual representation of the difference between men and women

Eventually if you make it far enough together she’ll either get fed up of you being clueless or realize on her own that you’re human and can’t read minds.

If you make it to that point you can turn off your spidey senses and breath a sigh of relief. She’ll simply tell you exactly what’s on her mind and you can react accordingly; or at least you will if you know what’s good for you 😉

In the meantime here are 6 of the most commonly used confusing non-literal female statements, along with an explanation of what they actually mean:

“You don’t need to get me anything”

Whether it’s in response to, “What do you want for your birthday?” or “I’m picking up food on the way home, can I pick you up something too?” – remember that the key word in this phrase is NEED.

No you don’t NEED to, but you bloody-well better, or else.

Seriously, probe a little deeper until she gives you a concrete answer or a definite no. If it’s for food, even if she says “no”, you know damn well that she’s going to eat half of yours when you get home and she suddenly realizes from the delicious smells that she’s hungry too. Conclusion? Just get extra.

Note: for birthday gifts “No” is never an option. If she doesn’t offer suggestions, that means she wants you to work for it.

In this case pay attention to the subtle (or not-so-subtle) hints she drops for about 90 days beforehand. If all else fails ask her sister, her Mom, or one of her close friends.

“I’ll be ready in five minutes”

Ha!

Take a deep breath and just accept it: you’re going to be late.

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The trick to getting out the door on time is to take into account the extra time a women needs to get ready. Figure this one out my friend and you are a relationship Jedi Master.

For everyone else, I suggest telling her you need to leave 30-45 minutes earlier than you actually do and then adjust accordingly for future outings based on the results.

In fairness though, a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes” is about the same as a man’s “I’ll be home in 5 minutes.”

Calculating how long it will actually be is similar to converting from Celsius to Fahrenheit. Basically whatever the amount of time given, just add 15 and then double it 😉

“Is THAT what you’re wearing?”

Usually heard when heading out on a date or to some social event together.

Note: This is not an actual question. It is her way of indirectly telling you she won’t be caught dead out in public with you if you’re going to leave the house dressed like a rodeo clown.

And just think, all those years before her, when you actually thought you could dress yourself…tsk…tsk.

On this one you should give her the benefit of the doubt because let’s face it, women generally have a much better sense of fashion than most guys.

I know this for a fact because I have seen otherwise sane and reasonable male friends show up to church ceremonies like baptisms and christenings wearing cargo shorts and a hoodie.

Also, it’s a good idea to let her think she’s winning once in a while 😉

“Go ahead, do whatever you want”

This is not permission, this is a test, or perhaps even a dare.

Proceed with EXTREME caution.

“Correct me if I’m wrong”

Watch out: IT’S A TRAP!!!!!

You do remember the first rule of relationships, right?

1. She is NEVER wrong!

Try to correct her? Oh man don’t go there!

Put it this way, you may as well try telling her to “Just calm down” the next time she’s upset too 😀

In either case it may be the closest you ever get to witnessing thermonuclear in person.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Nothing’s the matter”

Even men with limited relationship experience know that this means the exact opposite.

And we guys know that a quiet man is a content man.

But a quiet women? Well, she’s probably plotting her revenge.

So if she stays silent it is safe to assume that you are in deep doo-doo.

The same goes for “Fine”, “Whatever”, and “Wow”. You hear any of these? Just know that you are in serious peril and should consider temporarily relocating ASAP.

That’s all for this time – you’re welcome gentlemen 😉

For my next installment I’ll be giving the ladies a voice by turning the tables and exposing some of the not-so-logical things we men say and do.

And ladies, if you’ve got any suggestions…now’s the time.

Need advice about your relationships, real or imaginary? Then reach out with your questions to The Advice Guy via email at:

adviceguy2016 at gmail dot com

All inquiries will be kept anonymous, unless of course they have the potential to be really embarrassing, in which case all bets are off.