Image courtesy of tiramisustudio at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Merci d’avoir appeler xxxx carte de crédit – Thank you for calling xxxx credit card.
Pour le service en français appuyer sur le un, ou restez en ligne – For service in English press two or say ‘English’.
“English”
Pour savoir votre dernier solde…
“English!”
…appuyer sur le trois. Pour effectuer un paiement appuyer sur le quatre…
“I said English, English, ENGLISH, f*ck!”
To help us look up your account information please enter your sixteen digit card number as well as your four digit individual reference number and then press pound.
**** **** **** **** **** #
For your latest balance press three. To make a payment press four. To consult your available credit limit press five. To increase your credit limit press six. To speak to a customer service agent and for ALL other inquiries press zero or say, ‘agent’.
“Agent”
Merci d’avoir appeler…
“Ahh shit I knew I shoulda pressed zero!”
I poke at the zero button several times in anger.
Thank you for calling xxxx credit card. Your call is important to us…
“Then why do I always have to deal with a damn machine if I’m so f*ckin’ important to you?”
Please stay on the line to speak to the next available agent. Please note that for training purposes and to assure service quality, all calls are recorded even when on hold…
Looking over at Honey, “They’re recording even when we’re on hold now – that’s new.”
“Hmmm, maybe you should stop swearing at the recording then.”
“Hey, whose side are you on?”
She replies in a yes-I’m-being-sarcastic tone, “Civility, for everyone’s sake.”
A friendly male voice chimes in, “Thanks for calling xxxx credit card, this is Dwayne, how may I help you?”
“Yeah hi, I’m calling for some security advice; I had a bit of an incident with my card this evening and I’m not sure what to do.”
“We were at a restaurant about an hour ago and when I went to pay with my card I noticed the waiter had made a mistake.”
“He’d charged me for a soup, but I never got my soup.”
Honey in the background, “You’re giving them too much information, just ask your question.”
I wave her off with a spastic hand gesture. Older couples can get away with this stuff you see.
We love each other of course but after twenty-two years there are times when we annoy each other. Sometimes we even do it on purpose, just for fun…because we can. I suspected that for her this was one of those times.
“Okay sir I see that you’re calling from the home number we have on file, is that you Mr. Frampton?”
“Yes it is, but hang on Dwayne I’ve got one too many people talking at me at the moment.”
Honey glares.
“So when I pointed out his error the waiter left the table to go correct the bill, but he took the portable electronic payment thingie and my card with him.”
“So someone stole your card?”
“No, no – he came back with it, but the card was out of my sight for at least two to three minutes.”
“That’s plenty of time for someone to clone the card, isn’t it?”
“I mean it could’ve been an honest oversight, but I really don’t want to find out in a few days that a bunch of unknown charges got billed to my account…or am I just being paranoid?”
Long pause….
“It’s just that I’ve had my card cloned before, it was a major pain in the ass…er um sorry, butt.”
“Well sir if you have any doubts that your card has been compromised, we should put a hold on the account and get you a new card immediately.”
“Okay then, let’s do that.”
“I’ll get one of my colleagues to help you with that but while I have you on the line I’ve been authorized to inform you that due to your excellent payment history you qualify for an increased credit limit of $xxxxx.”
“Actually Dwayne, considering I just told you that my card may have been cloned, the idea of giving potential thieves even more money to steal from me seems kinda ridiculous don’t you think?”
“Well it is a limited time offer sir, so if you change your mind before the end of the month feel free to call back to have that limit bumped up – you’re a good customer and it is pre-approved.”
“Thanks but not interested, now can you transfer me to someone who can get me a new card, please?”
“Yes sir, let me put you on hold while I get one of my colleagues to help you with that.”
Your call is important to us so please stay on the line in order to maintain your call priority and allow us to connect you with the next available agent.
Looking over at Honey, “Back on hold again.”
Honey, “And you’re not swearing this time – I’m almost proud of you.”
She was trying that annoying-on-purpose thing again, this time I chose to ignore it.
“They offered to increase my credit limit to $xxxxx – crazy-ass idiots, eh?”
A cheerful female voice this time, “Thanks for calling xxxx credit card, this is Amanda, how may I help you?”
“Yeah hi, I’m calling to have my card cancelled and to have you send a new one.”
“Yes I see that there’s a freeze on your account sir.”
Terrific, I think to myself. We’re already halfway there, this should be smooth sailing.
“Now before I proceed with that, did my colleague give you the good news that you’ve been pre-approved for a new $xxxxx credit limit?”
“Yes he did and I already said ‘no thanks’, can I just get a new card or are YOU going to force me to say ‘no thanks’ again first?”
“Okay, I understand Mr. Frampton but I just want to make sure you’re aware that this is a limited time offer only available until the end of this month…”
I lose it, “No it’s not – c’mon gimme a break will ya!”
Honey throws up her hands and gives me her best, now what the hell are you doing? look.
“I’m sorry sir?”
“You know damn well that if I call back after the first of next month and request a credit limit increase, whoever I speak to will be happy to do it.”
“Well no one can say for sure…”
“But why wouldn’t they – after all I’m a good customer right?”
“Look let’s just dispense with the pressure sales tactics; I don’t need a higher credit limit, I didn’t ask for a higher credit limit, and I don’t want a higher credit limit – just get me a new card, alright?”
I look over to see Honey frowning at me; why am I picking on poor Amanda?
“Very well sir we’ll get you a new card; was your current card lost or stolen?”
“No, not exactly.”
“May I ask then why you need a new card?”
“Well Amanda it’s a bit complicated but I’ll be happy to explain it to you.”
“I’m listening sir.”
A huge grin comes across my face as I settle in and get comfy to tell her my whole story. It’s time for a little tit-for-tat and I suspect that this may take a while.
“Well Amanda, I never got my soup…”
I look over to see Honey shaking her head as she leaves the room – apparently grown-ups have better things to do with their time 😉
——————————————————————————————–
So when was the last time you were able to exact some revenge for an annoying customer service experience?
Norm 3.0 
Good for you to post this long conversation to entertain us…forget that you were not entertaining Honey! (we have the same too many talking issues and hand waving at our house) Given that you live in Canada, I would think French is better to deal with than the heavy Eastern Indian accents I usually seem to get!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had some conversations like that. I like your blog… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay then, Mr. Revenge – I hope you feel you got even for net getting your soup! I’ve never heard of a bank or credit co admitting they were wrong.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks – It doesn’t happen often that’s for sure 🙂
LikeLike
Apparently, customer service is an oxymoron!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not sure about the ‘Oxy’, but when they stick to the script even when it makes no sense, they do come across as ‘morons’ 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know how you didn’t hang up, Norm? I usually have plenty of patience when it comes to dealing with Customer Service agents and I always think “treat them as I would want them to treat me”, but even I get frustrated with the way some of them deal with complaints. I once had a gas bill for over £6,000 and they’d withdrawn the money from my bank account. When I rang the utility company you would have thought it was all my fault because they’d entered one too many digits for the metre reading.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I remember you telling me about that ordeal Hugh. That was probably a lot more unsettling than my little credit card incident. Just scary when the screw up and then can’t admit it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had my credit card cloned a few times, Norm. The last time was when buying diesel for the car. These guys are quick. You did right by phoning. Where possible I now only deal with companies where the phones are answered by human beings.
LikeLike
Brilliant Norm, automated switchboard and ‘upselling’ in one go – perfect. I just refuse to press button options now, either the automated voices on the other end blow a gasket or you find yourself put through to a real person straight away! You’ve also just confirmed what I’ve been afraid of some while – we are definitely getting into the ‘older couple’ bracket! 😀 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jane. Overall older couple status is a good thing 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
You may be right Norm 😕 🙂
LikeLike
My stomach was churning while reading your post. Such stress! The most recent customer service issue I’ve had was in a dream last week where I was yelling at some hotel desk staff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! As long as you don’t wake up yelling with your hands around hubby’s neck, then dreaming about customer service problems is far better than living them 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha great point!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha Hubby also hates it when I tell him, “Too much information.” He does love to waffle on at times. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I guess we like to make sure the other person understands the full context of the situation 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Whatever! 🙄
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, yes! We’ve all been there, haven’t we? To the point of hanging up and ‘hoping’ for a different agent. Because, some just don’t get it. While I appreciate that they likely get bonused for signing you up to deals or credit increases, I just want to complete the transaction I called in for. Offer me the promotions afterwards.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Incentive bonuses to employees for upsells do play a big part for sure Ed. Kinda like the extended warranties on electronics and appliances, I guess. Employees push those like crazy because they get to keep a good chunk of that extra amount.
But I agree with you, let’s take care of my business first and then pitch me your upsell after.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Call centres and a sense of humour – I thought that was an oxymoron, Norm. Until I read this. I had a good laugh on all counts. I am a bit like you: doesn’t take much for the blood pressure to rise and for me to take things out on the poor sod at the other end of the phone. It took me nearly 3 months to get one of the value-added services on my office phone line fixed: I reported it via the website and was told to ring the call centre and select a particular option.
Yeah right. No such option. Back to the website. I’m still waiting for them to get back to me on that one.
So, I decided to use the online chat. That also took three (or was it four?) attempts. The final time I refused to go offline until Space Cadet had escalated and sorted the problem. I just wouldn’t go away, and I told him/her to hang around until the problem was solved. That last “chat” was, wait for it: ninety minutes. I kid you not – one and a half hours. So desperate was I, that I postponed a scheduled teleconference. Thank heaven for understanding colleagues/clients.
Oh, and we’re fighting another battle now: we want to change the insurers for our property. I won’t be offended if you stop reading now, or delete this – I’m on a ranting roll:
This time, I wasn’t allowed to verbally cancel – the substitute policy had to be submitted for vetting before they would cancel. So, prospective insurer obliges and sends only that bit of the policy that’s relevant. It’s duly submitted with all the property details. Declined.
Why? The policy is not in the name of the person in whose name the property is registered. WTF? They have the erf (stand) number and all the relevant details of the buildings, etc. It can only be *that* property that’s ensured, and that’s what counts, surely?
Back to Prospective Insurer. Agent says to The Husband (they are now on first name terms and have exchanged e-mail addresses…this is the long short version), “But you’re married to her, what’s the problem?” and promptly obliges. Again. It’s duly submitted.
Declined. Huh? It’s Mother Company’s mortgage. By implication, you have to be insured by them. Say, what? The only requirement in the documents I signed, i.e. the quote for the mortgage, was that the property was insured. Didn’t specify which company. WTF? Again.
So, again back to Agent, advising that it’s not successful, but we’ve queried it. Ok, she says, we’ll leave things as they are. Just let us know. Twelve days later: no response, and which only dawns on us the day it was supposed to take effect.
The Husband e-mails Friendly Agent (note the name change). The following morning (today), just be sure, and while he downloads his e-mail, he phones Prospective Insurer. Different Agent: ok that’s fine. And while they’re on the phone e-mail arrives from Friendly Agent: it was activated and you will be refunded. Geez. He didn’t have to fight. Confirmed by Different Agent. It’ll be refunded on xx date. All’s hunky dory and “if you do want to change, blah, blah fishpaste hard sell….”
In the meantime, I’ve sent all the other documentation back to current Bad Company, attaching all the relevant e-mails, advising that if I do not get a satisfactory response, I will “pursue other avenues to get the answers to the questions posed”.
Automated acknowledgement received. Read receipt received. Same procedure as last time? We’ll see….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow Fiona, thanks for stopping by, that’s quite an ordeal.
Luckily we had our home purchase registered in both of our names so no one gives us any grief for the mortgage or insurance and we’ve changed both a few times over the years. It does require two signatures to enact a new insurance contract though.
LikeLike
Hahaha! Bummer!
Also, what a nosy rep!
I’ve had mine compromised. Someone used my card to fill a giant gas tank and have a large slushie in Montreal. I was in Georgia. The bank refunded me and suggested they’d be investigating at a hotel where I’d recently used my card. Not supposed to let anyone take cards away, but it happens all the time at restaurants.
I loved the “older couple” bit. From this I’ve determined we are older, too.
Lower credit limits keep your credit rating high. (I dunno if you know that, but you probably do.)
Anyway, funny post, and I am happy to laugh along! 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Joey. Sadly I’m not surprised your cloned card info ended up here. For some reason credit/debit card cloning, telemarketing scams, and car theft are our big organized crime gigs here.
I usually never let my card out of my sight but this kid zipped away before I even noticed he’d left with it.
No I did not know about lower credit limits being better for the credit rating; just practicing what I’d learned the hard way in my younger days about not taking any more rope than I need to hang myself with 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just the other day, I called a credit card company and heard the “We’re recording you even while on hold” bit – I looked over to my Honey and said, “Does this mean I should swear more or less while on hold? Might as well give them something worth listening to.”
Your virtual re-enactment was dead on. I’m pretty sure there are people who make a lot of money coming up with ways to p!ss us off so much that we decide our problem isn’t a problem after all, simply hang up, and never bother the call centre again.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Leah. I know what you mean; sometimes it sure feels like they do it on purpose. But then every once in a while we get the chance to beat them at their own game 😉
LikeLike
Well played, Norm. Well, played. I pictured you putting your feet up with a sh!t-eating grin on your face. Just enjoying the moment(s).
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your story. It would make a great Monty Python type skit. I think we have all been there before — and it isn’t just over credit cards. It is every business dealing on the phone these days.
I was billed for 10 months for a modem I didn’t have hidden in the charges on my cable bill. It took dozens of phone calls and 3 months to sort out after I insisted I speak to a supervisor (the underlings all seem to have mental deficiencies) – I hope the refund will appear on my next statement. I could tell more tales. I have to laugh to keep my sanity.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks. Now that you mention it, you know what? It kinda felt like I was in a Monty Python sketch.
Good luck with your modem credit and yes, keep laughing 🙂
LikeLike
hahahaha – my favourite part was “I said English, English, ENGLISH, f*ck!”
I hope I never have to navigate the hell of credit card replacement 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hey, what doesn’t kill us…
LikeLiked by 2 people
It seems delicious, love the colours!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks. That’s a stock photo, but the one I never got looked pretty similar…at least from two tables over 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very funny, it takes a lot of patience to manouver these automatic voices!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Joan. I’m not sure what’s harder to handle: those automated phone systems or the automatons you finally reach when a live person picks up the call 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
Too true, they are everywhere!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is so funny Norm. I’ve been there before, but I enjoyed laughing with you. I love:
“Actually Dwayne, considering I just told you that my card may have been cloned, the idea of giving potential thieves even more money to steal from me seems kinda ridiculous don’t you think?”
Dwayne doesn’t think (in case you didn’t know). Good luck with the new card and your next bowl of soup.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Dan. I know that Dwayne was told somewhere in his training to “stick to the script” but still, a little room for common sense please? And from now on I think I’ll have my soup at home 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Enjoyed your story. What kind of soup?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. It was a minestrone and I was kinda bummed that I didn’t get it 😦
LikeLike
Dang. I would be too. I’ve been jonesin’ for minestrone. I’ve considered learning to make it myself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Norm, I’m thinking you’ve been spending too much time with Dan. LOL 🙂 I hate calling any company and maneuvering their recorded options and only do it when absolutely necessary. I probably would have complained directly to the restaurant, they probably would have given me a freebie, and I would have called it good. Here’s hoping you get a shiny new credit card this week and have only positive experiences.:-)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Judy. The new card arrived yesterday and bonus, I was able to activate the PIN number online so I didn’t even have to navigate voicemail hell. Whooohooo!
LikeLiked by 3 people