Merci d’avoir appeler xxxx carte de crédit – Thank you for calling xxxx credit card.
Pour le service en français appuyer sur le un, ou restez en ligne – For service in English press two or say ‘English’.
Pour savoir votre dernier solde…
…appuyer sur le trois. Pour effectuer un paiement appuyer sur le quatre…
“I said English, English, ENGLISH, f*ck!”
To help us look up your account information please enter your sixteen digit card number as well as your four digit individual reference number and then press pound.
**** **** **** **** **** #
For your latest balance press three. To make a payment press four. To consult your available credit limit press five. To increase your credit limit press six. To speak to a customer service agent and for ALL other inquiries press zero or say, ‘agent’.
Merci d’avoir appeler…
“Ahh shit I knew I shoulda pressed zero!”
I poke at the zero button several times in anger.
Thank you for calling xxxx credit card. Your call is important to us…
“Then why do I always have to deal with a damn machine if I’m so f*ckin’ important to you?”
Please stay on the line to speak to the next available agent. Please note that for training purposes and to assure service quality, all calls are recorded even when on hold…
Looking over at Honey, “They’re recording even when we’re on hold now – that’s new.”
“Hmmm, maybe you should stop swearing at the recording then.”
“Hey, whose side are you on?”
She replies in a yes-I’m-being-sarcastic tone, “Civility, for everyone’s sake.”
A friendly male voice chimes in, “Thanks for calling xxxx credit card, this is Dwayne, how may I help you?”
“Yeah hi, I’m calling for some security advice; I had a bit of an incident with my card this evening and I’m not sure what to do.”
“We were at a restaurant about an hour ago and when I went to pay with my card I noticed the waiter had made a mistake.”
“He’d charged me for a soup, but I never got my soup.”
Honey in the background, “You’re giving them too much information, just ask your question.”
I wave her off with a spastic hand gesture. Older couples can get away with this stuff you see.
We love each other of course but after twenty-two years there are times when we annoy each other. Sometimes we even do it on purpose, just for fun…because we can. I suspected that for her this was one of those times.
“Okay sir I see that you’re calling from the home number we have on file, is that you Mr. Frampton?”
“Yes it is, but hang on Dwayne I’ve got one too many people talking at me at the moment.”
“So when I pointed out his error the waiter left the table to go correct the bill, but he took the portable electronic payment thingie and my card with him.”
“So someone stole your card?”
“No, no – he came back with it, but the card was out of my sight for at least two to three minutes.”
“That’s plenty of time for someone to clone the card, isn’t it?”
“I mean it could’ve been an honest oversight, but I really don’t want to find out in a few days that a bunch of unknown charges got billed to my account…or am I just being paranoid?”
“It’s just that I’ve had my card cloned before, it was a major pain in the ass…er um sorry, butt.”
“Well sir if you have any doubts that your card has been compromised, we should put a hold on the account and get you a new card immediately.”
“Okay then, let’s do that.”
“I’ll get one of my colleagues to help you with that but while I have you on the line I’ve been authorized to inform you that due to your excellent payment history you qualify for an increased credit limit of $xxxxx.”
“Actually Dwayne, considering I just told you that my card may have been cloned, the idea of giving potential thieves even more money to steal from me seems kinda ridiculous don’t you think?”
“Well it is a limited time offer sir, so if you change your mind before the end of the month feel free to call back to have that limit bumped up – you’re a good customer and it is pre-approved.”
“Thanks but not interested, now can you transfer me to someone who can get me a new card, please?”
“Yes sir, let me put you on hold while I get one of my colleagues to help you with that.”
Your call is important to us so please stay on the line in order to maintain your call priority and allow us to connect you with the next available agent.
Looking over at Honey, “Back on hold again.”
Honey, “And you’re not swearing this time – I’m almost proud of you.”
She was trying that annoying-on-purpose thing again, this time I chose to ignore it.
“They offered to increase my credit limit to $xxxxx – crazy-ass idiots, eh?”
A cheerful female voice this time, “Thanks for calling xxxx credit card, this is Amanda, how may I help you?”
“Yeah hi, I’m calling to have my card cancelled and to have you send a new one.”
“Yes I see that there’s a freeze on your account sir.”
Terrific, I think to myself. We’re already halfway there, this should be smooth sailing.
“Now before I proceed with that, did my colleague give you the good news that you’ve been pre-approved for a new $xxxxx credit limit?”
“Yes he did and I already said ‘no thanks’, can I just get a new card or are YOU going to force me to say ‘no thanks’ again first?”
“Okay, I understand Mr. Frampton but I just want to make sure you’re aware that this is a limited time offer only available until the end of this month…”
I lose it, “No it’s not – c’mon gimme a break will ya!”
Honey throws up her hands and gives me her best, now what the hell are you doing? look.
“I’m sorry sir?”
“You know damn well that if I call back after the first of next month and request a credit limit increase, whoever I speak to will be happy to do it.”
“Well no one can say for sure…”
“But why wouldn’t they – after all I’m a good customer right?”
“Look let’s just dispense with the pressure sales tactics; I don’t need a higher credit limit, I didn’t ask for a higher credit limit, and I don’t want a higher credit limit – just get me a new card, alright?”
I look over to see Honey frowning at me; why am I picking on poor Amanda?
“Very well sir we’ll get you a new card; was your current card lost or stolen?”
“No, not exactly.”
“May I ask then why you need a new card?”
“Well Amanda it’s a bit complicated but I’ll be happy to explain it to you.”
“I’m listening sir.”
A huge grin comes across my face as I settle in and get comfy to tell her my whole story. It’s time for a little tit-for-tat and I suspect that this may take a while.
“Well Amanda, I never got my soup…”
I look over to see Honey shaking her head as she leaves the room – apparently grown-ups have better things to do with their time 😉
So when was the last time you were able to exact some revenge for an annoying customer service experience?