The Difference Between Men and Women – Online Dating Edition

I recently found out that a good buddy of mine is now single again. He’s a super nice guy in his mid-forties. He’s slim, fit, athletic, reasonably attractive…well I guess he is – I dunno I’m a guy!

Uhm, well he kinda looks like Peter Gabriel at that age. Blue eyes, clean-shaven, good hygiene, and he still has all his teeth. In summary by pretty much anybody’s standards, he’s a helluva catch.

He has been through five relationships in as many years now, so this got me to thinking: Why does a nice guy with a steady good-paying job, who likes to travel, likes to cook, and is not afraid of commitment or housework, have such a hard time finding a compatible woman to share his life with?

Personally I blame online dating.

Now as a disclaimer I will tell you that I haven’t been on a first date in almost twenty-two years, so maybe I’m not the best guy to go to for dating advice. However, I maintain the opinion that his relationships haven’t been working out based on the fact that all of them have been found through online dating sites.

So what’s my big gripe with online dating?

I think the problem lies in those questionnaires used to build your online profile. First of all it is way too easy to lie on those things and leave the world with the impression that you’re either the re-incarnation of Mother Theresa, or whoever is that week’s hottest porn star (and depending on what some men are looking for, it may need to be a combination of both), when in fact you’re sitting on the sofa in some ratty ole jammies chowing down on Fritos and beer, while watching 3 year-old re-runs of All My Children.

And ladies before you get all uppity with me, do know that I’m well aware that guys can be just as…what shall we call it? Descriptively creative!

But aside from the delusional/misleading aspect, I really wonder how these sites can claim that their questionnaires are ‘scientifically designed to help you find your ideal mate’, when they are so clearly designed by someone who has never actually been in a real relationship.

In a nutshell the problems all stem from the fact that they’re just not asking the right questions. I mean does it really matter what someone’s hair or eye color is? Their favorite band or song? Are you seriously not going to date someone just because they’re still watching Survivor or American Idol. Will all bets be off if you find out that the potential object of your affections believes in giving money to Save the Pandas? Gimme a break – of course not!

The way I see it, if the chemistry is there and there’s a similar level of respect, reasonableness, and emotional maturity, then 99% of the stuff on those questionnaires is not deal-breaker material. In fact it’s the kind of fun stuff I’d rather find out on dates while actually getting to know someone face to face, no? Kinda like peeling an onion – so many layers; but hopefully without all the crying.

So based on my own three and a half decades of dating and relationship experience and as a public service to any younger or single readers, I’ve compiled a list of what should be on those questionnaires.

Here’s my top 15 questions about the IMPORTANT stuff that actually does affect compatibility, that a man needs to know before getting serious about a prospective female life partner:

1. Are you ALWAYS right?
2. At what temperature do you keep the thermostat set?
3. Do you really own one or several sets of something called ‘The Good Towels’, used only for show and not for actually washing and drying off with?
4. Follow-up to #3 – how angry will you be when I forget this and use your ‘Good Towels’ for washing and drying off?
5. What is the average length of your phone conversations with your sister(s), mom, BFF?
6. The 3 Stooges: Funniest thing ever or complete immature stupidity?
7. In your previous relationships how many times per day did you ask the question, “What are you thinking?”
8. Follow-up to #7 – How long do you generally insist on nagging probing when the answer you get back is, “Nothing”?
9. How do you prefer a man answers when you ask if you look fat in that: skirt, blouse, sweater, jacket, pants, dress, etc…? What, truthfully? Ahahahahaha you’re hilarious 😀 …no really what should I say? Hey wait, where are you going?
10. Which of these two sentences do you think is the most reasonable way to get the garbage taken to the curb:  A) Gee the garbage really seems to be piling up in the garage…long pause…cross arms…stare…longer pause… or B) Hon could you take those three bags of garbage in the garage out to the curb, please?
11. Do you like sports? No really…okay then smarty-pants, which ones and why?
12. How many shampoo and conditioner bottles do you currently have in your shower?
13. Two-part follow-up to #12 – What percentage of those bottles are either empty or almost empty? And how long have they been that way?
14. When explaining something, how often do you change the subject or segway onto something totally unrelated without first finishing the original train of thought?
15. Which is the correct resting position for the seat/lid on this device?

Image courtesy of phanlop88 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

A) Seat and lid up

B) Seat down with lid up (as shown)

C) Seat down with lid closed

D) Doesn’t matter

Note: there is only one correct answer and this one may in fact be a deal-breaker.

 

 

 

 

A fair number of these are also applicable for gay relationships (except for #15 of course), so everyone should feel free to use this list as the starting point for compiling their own list.

What do you think? Did I forget anything? Ladies and Gents, I’d love to hear some of your suggestions.

Thanks for reading 😀