The Difference Between Men and Women – Online Dating Edition

I recently found out that a good buddy of mine is now single again. He’s a super nice guy in his mid-forties. He’s slim, fit, athletic, reasonably attractive…well I guess he is – I dunno I’m a guy!

Uhm, well he kinda looks like Peter Gabriel at that age. Blue eyes, clean-shaven, good hygiene, and he still has all his teeth. In summary by pretty much anybody’s standards, he’s a helluva catch.

He has been through five relationships in as many years now, so this got me to thinking: Why does a nice guy with a steady good-paying job, who likes to travel, likes to cook, and is not afraid of commitment or housework, have such a hard time finding a compatible woman to share his life with?

Personally I blame online dating.

Now as a disclaimer I will tell you that I haven’t been on a first date in almost twenty-two years, so maybe I’m not the best guy to go to for dating advice. However, I maintain the opinion that his relationships haven’t been working out based on the fact that all of them have been found through online dating sites.

So what’s my big gripe with online dating?

I think the problem lies in those questionnaires used to build your online profile. First of all it is way too easy to lie on those things and leave the world with the impression that you’re either the re-incarnation of Mother Theresa, or whoever is that week’s hottest porn star (and depending on what some men are looking for, it may need to be a combination of both), when in fact you’re sitting on the sofa in some ratty ole jammies chowing down on Fritos and beer, while watching 3 year-old re-runs of All My Children.

And ladies before you get all uppity with me, do know that I’m well aware that guys can be just as…what shall we call it? Descriptively creative!

But aside from the delusional/misleading aspect, I really wonder how these sites can claim that their questionnaires are ‘scientifically designed to help you find your ideal mate’, when they are so clearly designed by someone who has never actually been in a real relationship.

In a nutshell the problems all stem from the fact that they’re just not asking the right questions. I mean does it really matter what someone’s hair or eye color is? Their favorite band or song? Are you seriously not going to date someone just because they’re still watching Survivor or American Idol. Will all bets be off if you find out that the potential object of your affections believes in giving money to Save the Pandas? Gimme a break – of course not!

The way I see it, if the chemistry is there and there’s a similar level of respect, reasonableness, and emotional maturity, then 99% of the stuff on those questionnaires is not deal-breaker material. In fact it’s the kind of fun stuff I’d rather find out on dates while actually getting to know someone face to face, no? Kinda like peeling an onion – so many layers; but hopefully without all the crying.

So based on my own three and a half decades of dating and relationship experience and as a public service to any younger or single readers, I’ve compiled a list of what should be on those questionnaires.

Here’s my top 15 questions about the IMPORTANT stuff that actually does affect compatibility, that a man needs to know before getting serious about a prospective female life partner:

  1. Are you ALWAYS right?
  2. At what temperature do you keep the thermostat set?
  3. Do you really own one or several sets of something called ‘The Good Towels’, used only for show and not for actually washing and drying off with?
  4. Follow-up to #3 – how angry will you be when I forget this and use your ‘Good Towels’ for washing and drying off?
  5. What is the average length of your phone conversations with your sister(s), mom, BFF?
  6. The 3 Stooges: Funniest thing ever or complete immature stupidity?
  7. In your previous relationships how many times per day did you ask the question, “What are you thinking?”
  8. Follow-up to #7 – How long do you generally insist on nagging probing when the answer you get back is, “Nothing”?
  9. How do you prefer a man answers when you ask if you look fat in that: skirt, blouse, sweater, jacket, pants, dress, etc…? What, truthfully? Ahahahahaha you’re hilarious 😀 …no really what should I say? Hey wait, where are you going?
  10. Which of these two sentences do you think is the most reasonable way to get the garbage taken to the curb:  A) Gee the garbage really seems to be piling up in the garage…long pause…cross arms…stare…longer pause… or B) Hon could you take those three bags of garbage in the garage out to the curb, please?
  11. Do you like sports? No really…okay then smarty-pants, which ones and why?
  12. How many shampoo and conditioner bottles do you currently have in your shower?
  13. Two-part follow-up to #12 – What percentage of those bottles are either empty or almost empty? And how long have they been that way?
  14. When explaining something, how often do you change the subject or segway onto something totally unrelated without first finishing the original train of thought?
  15. Which is the correct resting position for the seat/lid on this device?
Image courtesy of phanlop88 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of phanlop88 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

A) Seat and lid up

B) Seat down with lid up (as shown)

C) Seat down with lid closed

D) Doesn’t matter

Note: there is only one correct answer and this one may in fact be a deal-breaker.

 

 

 

 

A fair number of these are also applicable for gay relationships (except for #15 of course), so everyone should feel free to use this list as the starting point for compiling their own list.

What do you think? Did I forget anything? Ladies and Gents, I’d love to hear some of your suggestions.

Thanks for reading 😀

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About Norm 2.0

World’s youngest grumpy old man & heart failure wonder boy. Interests: writing, woodworking, photography, travel, tennis, wine, and I know a bit about power tools.
This entry was posted in Humor, Opinions and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to The Difference Between Men and Women – Online Dating Edition

  1. mariannegv says:

    Hahaha This was very amusing, Norm. Thanks for making me laugh 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your list Norm!!! A touch of humour goes a long way to finding the perfect partner I reckon so you’re on the right track, hope your friend finds his soul mate. Perhaps you should set up an on-line dating agency with a difference!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I got a good laugh out of this post Norm. I think your list should definitely be on those dating sites. As for leaving the seat and lid up on the toilet – there’s three of us living in our house, me, the hubby and our daughter. I’m happy that one of us always leaves the seat up (hubby, of course) as he also leaves the light on in either of the two windowless bathrooms, sometimes all night if nobody has checked them. He tried blaming us two women at first, until I pointed out that whoever is leaving the lights on also leaves the seat and lid up. Case closed, if not the toilet lid. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Been married to the same guy for 50 years. Still haven’t settled on answers for all your questions, except for number 15. The cat settled that question; the lid must be kept closed or else he uses it for his water dish.
    Maybe you should add a question. Do you have cats? If yes, do they sleep with you? Under or atop the blankets? Are they allowed to be on the table?
    Enjoyed laughing through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. reocochran says:

    I went through 1500 people, okay men trying to sift through until I got the # down to 100. Then, I met 2 to 4 a week for 6 months. No dinners, just coffee, ice cream or a hike. I found two I liked. One I an friends with and the other I enjoyed for almost 2 years until he went back to an old girlfriend, Norm.
    My whole blog was about the Quest. I have gone out with 3 men in 9 years, since I was divorced, for more than one or two dates. (The 100 had one or two dates, then I used my gut and also, looked at how I felt after it was over. Relief is not a good sign! 🙂 )
    Your friend sounds nice, Norm. Too bad I am looking for a man who is in his 50’s or early 60’s. I get a lot of date requests from men in their 40’s who don’t realize I am 60. They are just barely older than my 35, 34 and 30 year old kids!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Great list of questions, Norm. I think you also need to ask “How much of the wardrobe do you want for your clothes?” If they say “all of it” then be direct and say “do you really need all those clothes and all those shoes?”
    “Okay, Okay, I was only joking. I’ll take this tiny draw that I use for my socks and put all my stuff in there.”

    Liked by 2 people

  7. George says:

    This is a pretty comprehensive list, Hugh. If someone gets past this, they should be good to go..:)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. narami says:

    You could save the online dating world. Please do something about it. People’s life’s are on jeopardy.

    All the thumbs up for this one.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Corina says:

    I don’t know…I would never even consider dating someone who watches reality shows so it they are fans of Survivor or any of the singing shows, cooking shows or remodel your home show, well no thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. NancyTex says:

    Your questions would absolutely be a giant time-saver. I think you should patent them right away, and then go on Dragon’s Den to make a pitch.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Norm 2.0 says:

      I’m all about expediency Nancy; A minute saved is a dollar earned…or something like that, I think :-\
      As for Dragons Den, I know they’re sticklers for realistic valuations so I’ll have to give that some serious thought 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Love your post Norm and I think you should set up a dating service based on your superior understanding of the essentials! I would add a further question – how many varieties of beer can you name and for bonus points how many lines can you quote from Clint Eastwood movies? 🙂 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Dan Hen says:

    #8 and # 10 are my devils .

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Because when mentally balanced women hear the words “has been through five relationships in as many years now,” they run the other way, leaving only the emotionally dysfunctional for him to pick through.

    The fact that you kept writing after that little revelation is a solid indicator of which camp you fall into. Enjoy therapy.

    Like

    • Norm 2.0 says:

      Welcome Anna and thanks for taking the time to share your opinion. I see that my tongue-in-cheek sense of humor isn’t for everyone – that’s okay. Have a great weekend 😉

      Like

      • It closely resembles the earnest exchange of the romantically flummoxed these days. Hard to distinguish the jokes from the facts when so much serious conversation is damned funny out there.

        Like

        • Norm 2.0 says:

          Yes I saw you missed that. Just a friendly word of advice: Next time before you drop in to pass judgement and sh*t in a complete strangers sandbox try reading a few of the comments and the tags. #Humor – would’ve been your first hint.
          I accept your apology.
          Have a good weekend and happy hiking 🙂

          Like

  14. Holly says:

    Um, wanna give him my number?

    In all seriousness, I agree with you. Either you are honest and people reject you on your looks, or people can be ok with your looks and reject you on the fact that you like Fritos on the couch with Netflix marathons of comic-based shows.

    I’ll just get another cat, I think 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Sarina says:

    Oh my! Honestly I think it’s up to chemistry and then it really does not matter if the toilet seat is up, down or if the dustbin is overfull. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  16. hahahahaha!!! I think you have something here. You better start thinking of a title for your new on-line dating service. good stuff!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. baldjake70 says:

    If I were single, I would not date a person that still watched Survivor or American Idol. It speaks to a section of pop culture that I do not wish to endure. Hair and eye color is not important to me. Regarding hair though, how much of it is still in your shower? I mean seriously, how hard is it to clean that hot mess up? Here is another one for you, do you like the outdoors? if you answer yes, do you enjoy physically being outdoors? looking outdoors? or simply looking at pictures of the outdoors?
    The last question you posted, I only screwed that up once. Lid and seat were both up, and a middle of the night visit did not end well for a certain someone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Norm 2.0 says:

      I’m with you on the hair in the drain Jake. And your outdoors options gave me a good chuckle. I do admit that some of my ‘not deal-breakers’ are somewhat subjective. Cultural things like TV and music choices can be a source of friction for some, though not for me.
      I however draw the line at charitable choices – I mean who would seriously give money to those darn Pandas? You gotta know those little buggers are just gonna spend it all on drugs anyway!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. joey says:

    AHAHAHA! Oh this is a great post to start my day!
    Some of these apply to The Mister and me, but I’m happy to say many of them are non-issues. I really do care about hair and eye color, and I think a lot of people do. Music taste could be a real problem with me as well. Fortunately I won the lottery!
    Here’s hoping your friend finds someone with whom he has intense chemistry. I really think that’s the main criterion! *raises coffee cup*

    Liked by 1 person

  19. quiall says:

    hahaha Ok my first guffaw of the day, thanks! Oh and how do you feel about animal bodily fluids?

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Almost Iowa says:

    “Do you like sports? No really…okay then smarty-pants, which ones and why?”

    Ohhhh…you nailed that one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m seeing a big smile on your face as you wrote this. A couple additional questions: Do you snore? How has the noise level been reported to you on a scale of 1-10? What’s your idea of a fun adventure? Replay of a football game or a camping trip? But, most importantly I’d get off the internet and find a ‘real’ person in the ‘real’ world that you could sit down with and have a ‘real’ coffee and conversation. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. For me, another key question in two parts is how long does it take to get dressed and what do you see when you look in the mirror… enjoyed the read… thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Hihi, as usually, the questions speak more volubly than any answers ever could. Now we all know you and your triggers better. 😀 As for online dating, I prefer doing it my unorganised way, and I did it without trying. My cross-border move was a result of an online acquaintance growing into long-term partner. I believe that getting to know another in this wordy way (camera was added only after we first met in flesh) gives true insight because not many can form inaccurate replies, forge moods or invent stories in short intervals during chatting, at least if the recipient is at least a bit emphatic. Tell your friend to start a blog. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Dan Antion says:

    I think only women have to answer question #1 Norm and you could probably fill it in for them. I would add a question about the number of pairs of shoes (owned and required) and closet space.

    Liked by 1 person

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