The Difference Between Men and Women – Clueless Husband Dodges a Bullet

We’re walking down the stairs leaving my office on Friday afternoon. I’m a few steps ahead when Honey calls down to me. I stop, turn, and look up at her inquisitively.

She slowly extends her sandaled left foot.

As she points it towards me, her ankle length skirt slides up her smooth tanned shin exposing her lovely lower leg.

Now I’m not a foot fetish kinda guy, I’m more into the whole package, but even I have to admit that this lady has sexy feet. Mind you I’m married to her so yeah, I’m probably a little biased.

I smile to myself wondering where this is going and my gaze lingers for a second longer as I try to figure out why she stopped me in the stairwell to show me her left foot…

“Aimes-tu la couleur?” She asks. Do you like the colour?

My male spidey senses start to tingle. When a woman asks her man his opinion on anything to do with her appearance, we just know we’re about to step onto a minefield.

I pause, look down at her foot again. Colour? Colour of what, I think to myself.

I ransack my brain throwing cushions in the air and knocking over chairs, as I desperately search for the full meaning of the question she just asked.

After all, an answer is expected; and the right one no less. The alarm bells and flashing lights are going off in my head; THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Okay think dude. Did she tan some more today? Nah, there was no time for that, she was running errands this afternoon.

It can’t be that skirt either; I’ve seen her in it many times before and she already knows I like it.

Besides, she really seemed to be showing off her foot, so what’s different about her foot?

My clueless male brain grasps at straws and I gingerly extend my own foot out onto the minefield. I tread lightly, and half expecting a loud explosion I exclaim in an approving tone, “Oh, you got new sandals!”

“Yeah, that black and brown leather will go well with a lot of your summer clothes.”

My pride in being able to display what a sensitive, observant husband I am lasts all of about fifteen seconds as the realization comes to me – she’s had those sandals since last summer. In fact I was with her when she bought them.

You DUMMY!

There’s no point pretending that I still think it’s the sandals so I stop myself from continuing down this path. I have no idea what colour she’s talking about and now she knows it too.

I think to myself, not another word dude – put down the shovel, the hole is deep enough.

I take one more quick glance at her foot hoping beyond hope that it will suddenly come to me. It doesn’t of course, so like a death row inmate hoping for a last minute pardon I look up sheepishly, only to see a disapproving frown.

I’m quite certain that at least half of the ladies reading this already know what’s coming next. And the men? Well they/we have no clue…

She shakes her head and says “I’m talking about my toes, silly.” She chuckles.

Phew, luckily it seems that this mine I just stepped on was a dud.

“Do you like the colour I chose for my toenails?”

Ahh yes the epiphany – I remember now! She always kicks off her summer vacations by treating herself to a mani/pedi on the last afternoon before vacation starts. After twenty-one years together I must admit that yes, I should know this by now.

I smile and look up at her. “Yeah I love it – very sexy.” I give her my best wolf-whistle and a sappy one-raised-eyebrow leer. She laughs and I know that all is right in the world.

Crisis averted.

And I make a note to remember this one for next time, just in case 🙂

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About Norm 2.0

World’s youngest grumpy old man & heart failure wonder boy. Interests: writing, woodworking, photography, travel, tennis, wine, and I know a bit about power tools.
This entry was posted in Humor, Opinions and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

40 Responses to The Difference Between Men and Women – Clueless Husband Dodges a Bullet

  1. Yes, I am in the camp of comments where we knew it was her pedicure! Love your post about how your brain works, Norm!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ally Bean says:

    So what color was it? Certainly she told you. We need to know. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. JerriLM says:

    Great post! I thoroughly enjoyed it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. rarasaur says:

    🙂 Ha! Nail polish crisis averted. This was a happy, fun read, I really enjoyed it. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The one I had this week was, “I love these shoes. Do you think they make my feet look too big?” I quickly excused myself and ran into the yard pretending to chase a coyote away from the house. When I finally got back the question was answered without my input. (It was a yes)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lynn says:

    This is so funny Norm! Good guesses on your part but I have to tell you as soon as I read, Do you like the colour?, I knew she was talking about her toes. I thoroughly enjoyed you trying to figure it out!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Now we all know, so we can help you remember next year

    Liked by 1 person

  8. tgeriatrix says:

    Wonderful! And so true!!! You just got the curve in time!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Ha, well played both of y’all! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hysterical and so true! My hubby would have done the same!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. reocochran says:

    I laughed at your worry about the whole foot, leg, colour situation. I am rather surprised her toes didn’t wiggle a little bit at you to catch your attention. I love your throwing things in your cluttered brain (I usually run through my ABC’s and somehow this system works on Names not Nail polish. 🙂 ) I could visualize your moving around inside there, to try to uncover the right words to say and the right subject which would be “New~”
    Norm, this was an outstanding job. I wrote my rough draft for my Thursday’s Doors post mentioning you, would it be necessary to include That Montreal Girl, too? Are there any last minute thought about my using just words and a story to talk about my first set of double doors? Let me know… Smiles, Robin

    Liked by 1 person

    • Norm 2.0 says:

      Thanks Robin, I’m glad it gave you a few chuckles.
      For Thursday Doors I don’t have any objection to you mentioning That Montreal Girl, after all I got started with this feature because of her, but I think she has stepped away from her blog. As far as I can tell she hasn’t posted since late last year, so I’ll leave the decision to you.
      No other suggestions for you but I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  12. jan says:

    LOL! I’m tempted to say “you almost stepped in it” but that’s a little punny, isn’t it? Whew, crisis averted! Happy vacation!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. LOL! I love it, so typical! I knew right away she was talking about the polish of her toe nails. I am glad boys are boys and girls are girls and as I often say to my husband, “I love being the girl” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about that problem, Norm.

    It’s like the age old question “does this dress/shirt make me look big? and the age old answer “it’s not the dress/shirt that makes you look big, it’s all *!*!*!* chocolate you eat!”

    Happy Sunday.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. We really don’t mean to project you into the minefield. It’s just that we forget and go forth looking for a response from our best friend who happens to be male and lives on a different mental plant. Great story telling. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. hollie says:

    That’s hilarious, I LOVED this post. I’m glad the land mine turned out to be a dud and you averted the crisis!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Dan Antion says:

    So, you cut the wrong wire but got a second chance…Good for you, I’m sure you deserved that. Nice description of the mental chaos that begins with “do you like…” We men, as a species, sub-species, gender, whatever, we are so unprepared to deal with those questions.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Norm 2.0 says:

      Thanks Dan. I know, eh? One minute we’re just walking along, aimlessly going about our business, not hurting anyone and then all of a sudden BAM: “What do you think of…?”
      It’s just not fair 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  18. narami says:

    You really don’t mean to be clueless, you were born this way. I’ve made peace with this in order to live with a man but it’s still good to read this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. April says:

    lol good job!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Dan Hen says:

    You made it out of that one unscathed , but you told the tale well , setting the scene clearly for all of us clueless ones . It sounds all too familiar ( in a scary kind of way ). Echo : ” Do I look fat in this dress ?” or ” Which shoes do you like better ? ” Minefield , minefield !

    Liked by 1 person

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