If We Were Having Coffee – Sitting Down With 18-year-old Me

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Dude if we were having coffee I would tell you that you’re a fine young man but you’re also a bit of an idiot.

You’re at what I call the age of infinite wisdom. You think you know everything and no one can tell you a damn thing. Well Norm, I’m here from your future to tell you that right now: You. Don’t. Know. Shit.

It’s not your fault. You’re only 18 and there’s still so much you have to learn.

You can wipe that stunned look off your face too. Yes this is what you’re going to look like 32 years, 150,000 cigarettes, too many 60-hour work weeks, one major surgery, and 40 pounds from now.

Oh yeah that’s right, you haven’t even started smoking yet. Hey, maybe it’s not too late…

Okay so listen up. In about a year you’re going to meet this girl see. Yeah I know, it’s always about a girl isn’t it? Well, you two will really hit it off and because she smokes, you’re gonna somehow get it into your head that it’s a good idea for you to start too.

See, I told you you were an idiot!

To make matters worse it’s going to backfire. She’s going to be disappointed and a little turned off by it. Things will barely last through the summer before she drops you for another guy.

But that’s okay because you’re going to bump into her years later and realize that you really dodged a bullet with that one. You’ll see what I mean in due time.

So since you know it’s not going to last, can you do us a favor and not start smoking please? If you do start we’ll be carrying that monkey around on our back for almost two decades, and I’m telling you man: quitting was a bitch!

If we were having coffee I’d also tell you to slow down with the partying, spending, and especially, treating others. I know you’re having fun with the steady paycheck, your own apartment and lots of friends and hangers-on to make you feel important, but you’re burning through your savings like a drunken sailor. In a while when the hard times come, and don’t you worry they WILL come, none but a select few of those so-called friends will be around to help.

I’d also tell you to get your ass back in school as soon as possible. Now don’t shake your head and roll your eyes at me! Yeah I know, you don’t need a piece of paper to succeed, blah, blah, blah, and yes you’ll do okay in the end. But trust me, an education makes it easier to get your foot in the door and it greases the wheels to help you get ahead once you get in. Listen to me now or find out the hard way later; your choice.

If we were having coffee I’d want you to know that despite what I said, I do think you’re a smart guy. You have good instincts. It’s just frustrating because oftentimes you know better, and yet you make things more difficult for yourself by not following those instincts. So listen to your gut – it won’t steer you wrong very often.

For example: There’s going to be promotion that a new boss is going to offer you, where you’ll have to relocate to Vancouver. It will offer more money and prestige; very tempting. However, your gut is going to tell you that the budding romance you’ve been involved in has the potential to be the real thing. And understandably she’s not going to want to give up her good job to pack up and move across the country with a guy she’s known for barely six months.

When you tell your boss why you’re hesitating he’s going to give a you stunned look and say, “You know they have women in Vancouver too, right?” Then your gut is going to tell you that he’s a superficial ass-hat who can’t be trusted and you’re going to tell him, “Thanks, but no thanks.” I can tell that it was a good thing you listened to your gut, because ten months later under this idiot’s guidance, that company goes bust.

There’s a lot more I could tell you about the women who’ll come into your life, but I think I’ll let you have fun finding out for yourself.

There will be a few who’ll break your heart and a few others where the timing won’t be right, or you just won’t be right for each other. That’s okay, some relationships just aren’t meant to happen. Accepting that and knowing when to let go doesn’t mean failure. It’s called knowing when to cut your losses.

I’d also tell you to not be in such a rush. Take your time and get to know each other better before jumping into bed or getting too serious. I’d tell you, but you’re not gonna listen to me are you?

No, I didn’t think so.

If we were having coffee I’d encourage you at the very least to learn from those experiences and use them to better yourself. It may not be obvious when you’re in it, but it’s all meant to prepare you to be in the right place mentally and emotionally when the right girl does come along.

You know that budding relationship I told you about where you turn down a good-paying job in Vancouver? Yeah, she turns out to be the one. See? Your gut was right.

Last but not least if we were having coffee, I don’t want to sound like your old man but if  you think you’re rocking that beatnik jazz bassist look with the hat, thin white leather tie,  that long stringy hair and scruffy beard, well I have news for you.

In reality you look like an underfed billy-goat. Do us a favor dude: get a fricken haircut and reacquaint yourself with a razor because you’re going to be soooo embarrassed in a few years when you look back at pictures of yourself from today.

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