For my newer followers my Advice for Young Men series usually pokes fun at the differences between men and women. You can read some previous installments here and here.
I’m overdue for a good rant though, so today’s post isn’t very funny. Then again, neither is the subject: sexual harassment and inappropriate sexual behavior by men.
Warning: If foul language offends you then I suggest you skip this post.
For everyone else, settle in for this listicle – 8 Tips for Not Behaving Like a Sexual Predator – sarcastically written specifically for guys who still don’t get it.
1. Learn how to hold your liquor.
Alcohol is often referred to as a great social lubricant. Yes it’s good for getting conversations flowing, but as someone who in his younger days once woke up with his winter boots and a parka on in a someone’s bathtub, I can confirm that it lubricates stupidity too.
Seriously, if you can’t go to a bar or a party and enjoy a few drinks without pawing at or molesting others, then do the world a favor and stay the fuck home.
No one else should have to pay for the fact that you’re a shithead when you drink!
2. Don’t boost your sense of worth or power at the expense of another person’s dignity.
Coercing a subordinate, someone who looks up to you, or anyone you hold any form of power over, into sexual acts of any kind, or making them your audience while you dingle your Jimmy-Johnson, is not okay.
If someone needs to tell you this in 2017 that’s a sign that something’s seriously broken between your ears.
*Cupped hands around mouth, whispering loudly* You should go get that fixed!
And them not explicitly saying “no” doesn’t make it consensual, genius!
If they haven’t said anything it’s because they’re still in a state of shock from discovering what a disgusting pig you are.
If you do things like this, not only are you a creep but if your offenses can be proven in court, it makes you a criminal.
In case you weren’t aware, in prison other inmates usually reserve very special treatment for sex criminals. Treatment that helps them understand what their victims went through.
That is called Karma…being a bitch…at your expense.
3. Catcalling isn’t “harmless fun”.
Contrary to what some guys seem to think, shouting out “hey baby, nice rack”, or “shake that sweet ass girl” to a complete stranger on the street, is NOT a compliment.
In fact it’s downright fucking scary.
Dude, do you really want to be the reason why someone signs up for self-defense classes or carries pepper spray in their purse?
Still unclear about why catcalling is not okay? Here’s the best advice I’ve seen:
4. Don’t send pictures of your dick to anyone at any time for any reason.
Probably the biggest misuse of technology ever. It’s also a classic example of – Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
Look I get it. I have one too so I understand that special relationship we men have with our penises.
Being proud of your dangly parts is one thing, but boldly showing them off to the world stops being funny around the age of three.
Sure your parents will try not to laugh as they scold you but then seriously, after that, society expects you to grow the fuck up!
They call it “junk” for a reason – believe me, no one wants to see that on their phone.
So do everyone a favor: whenever you get the thought in your big head that showing off your little head is a good idea, just put your little soldier back in his barracks and go for a walk until to your big head starts thinking clearly again.
5. A woman doesn’t owe you shit.
Not a hug. Or a kiss. Or a date. In fact, not even a smile.
Bothered by the fact that you smiled at that cute girl in the coffee shop but she’s not smiling back?
Fuck you! That’s your problem, not hers.
It doesn’t make her a bitch; it makes you a presumptuous, insecure asshole.
Ever consider that maybe she’s having a crappy day? A flat tire on the way to work, or a sick relative that she’s worried about; you know, all the same shit that we men can be preoccupied about.
Except, when was the last time someone suggested you’d be better-looking if you just smiled more?
Her lack of smile could also be from having to cope with a constant barrage of idiots like you who expect her to smile just to make YOU feel good. Or maybe some other asshole just complimented her about her “nice rack”.
6. Don’t expect praise for not being a pig.
The last time I checked, society wasn’t handing out medals to guys simply for not being perverted shitbags towards women.
Didn’t harass or make a woman feel uncomfortable today?
Good for you Bucko!
Now give yourself a nice pat on the back because that’s called, being normal.
And by the way, not being a threat to others is pretty much the bare minimum for consideration as a decent human being.
Being decent does have its benefits though. It allows you to earn the respect and maybe even the friendship of lots of other decent people of both sexes.
You may not know this now but believe me, as you get older and life starts to beat you up, you will come to appreciate how precious it is to have good decent people on your side.
7. Even in a steady long-term relationship, women ALWAYS have the right to say no to sex.
It doesn’t matter how long it has been, or how hot she looks, or how horny you are: she’s not your sex toy!
Don’t like it?
Tough shit – deal with it.
If you think about it objectively it makes perfect sense that the perpetual right of veto for sex goes to the person who’s accepts the other person inside their body.
And I tell you what dude, if you had to bleed through your genitals for five days a month for half your life for the privilege of keeping our species going, you’d damn well want the same respect too.
8. Keep your fucking hands to yourself!
I mean seriously, this one should be obvious right? Basic common decency and respect for other human beings shouldn’t be that hard to comprehend.
But I have to say that at 53 years-old, it saddens and angers me to no end to know that there isn’t one woman in my circle of acquaintances who doesn’t have multiple stories to tell.
Stories not only of inappropriate touching, but of harassment, persistent unwanted advances, lurid comments…or god forbid…much much worse.
We’re finding out almost daily about famous, powerful men doing truly despicable things, but you know what? It’s not just Hollywood, or Politics, or Sports, or Business, or Journalism.
And it’s not just famous powerful men either.
Now just imagine if YOU had to put up with bullshit like this every single day.
Women are rightfully fed up and they’re speaking out on social media in record numbers. Good for them. Now it’s time for men to listen.
Perhaps the tide is turning and hopefully things will finally change. Though frankly I’ll believe that when I see it.
If you’re still shaking your head wondering what all the fuss is about, then let me put it another way: If it doesn’t bother you to know that 50% of humanity wakes up every morning, goes out into the world and tries to get on with their day while having to be conscious of the fact that some creep may very well be looking at them the way a hungry lion looks at a gazelle, then you know what? You’re part of the problem!
Please, help make the world a better place for everyone: don’t be one of those creeps.